The beauty of life is realized after loosing it...

Where was I? What was I doing? When did I loose it all? Why wasn’t I given a warning? Where am I heading now? What am I up to? For whom or for what am I doing all this? What have I achieved? What have I lost ...

I see myself hopelessly lost, messed up by these questions, the more I try to solve them the more I get strangled and suffocated. I long for breathe but get no signs of air around, my clueless eyes look for water in deserts and my heart hopes for a rain in this draught ridden terrain.

You may be enjoying this as a piece of poetry, but then that is what you call “From heart to black and white” .The paradox of life is you realise the value of ”something” when you loose it. As long as this “something” is yours, you expect it do favours, you expect it to remain good after whatever you do, you look forward to it in thins of your life, but you are absconding when it’s your turn to do favours. Then comes one fine day when “something” decides to leave you and makes way for itself. From this day onwards, your life changes. You get a feeling that “something” is missing from your life. It’s not a well pronounced feeling but then you know it at the back of your mind that something is wrong in life, there is something that is destabilizing your life and what follows is “PAIN”

There is a constant prick that keeps telling that “something” is gone. Its no more there, to be by your side. Every second thing reminds you of the time spent together, the incidents and the moments associated with it. You cry, your heart shouts , you punch wall, you kick stones but all in waste and then you give up. Not the relation but faith. Faith in your capabilities, faith in what you can do to this relation and you hopelessly look up to others to help.

At this juncture, you ask few valid questions, one of them being... “Do I actually deserve this?” The answer to this depends on how your life has been all this time. As far I know about my life, I am accustomed to learning things the hard way round. I know the more I get accustomed to it, the harder it gets for me. May be it’s the sins of my previous incarnation or may be God wants to make me perfect, the Best (You see there is a positive side to everything on earth!!!)

The Sharp Curves of Life

If life is a journey, and days the road, then challenges are the Sharp blind curve. As I negotiate one such curve in my life now, the experience is heart trending and disturbing. But then I know I am not faced with choices. All I know is the blind curve has come and I need to negotiate it. Irrespective of me wanting it or no.

But then was I totally unaware of it? Did it take me by surprise? Didn’t I notice the gradual bends leading to this sharp curve? I need to ponder over this. The fact is I knew it was coming. I was also suspicious about it. But what has surprised me is my own ignorance and single mindedness that prevented me from taking actions to nip the bud. Now I know I am in a severe mess and I really have no explanation for this. I messed it up all myself and have no one to give explanation to.

At times I ponder what kept me from taking actions. The result comes with a mixed bag. In parts it was my lethargy, in parts it was inability to come out of comfort zone and in parts it I used my pseudo self belief to confirm the fact that I am doing it all right. Now I know I was wrong by all means, but then is it only my fault? Are relations just one person’s responsibility? Isn’t there anything called bilateral commitment in relation. I think at this juncture I have no rights to ask questions. I had better ask them when I get through these rough seas successfully.

Today as I stand just a shade away from the blind curve, I have my own speculations. I have however kept my fingers crossed whether I’ll be able to see through. I know the life has to go on and I am no exception, but then whether I’ll get back what I have lost or I’ll have to live with this mistake of mine for rest of my life will be decided after I negotiate the curve. I have done all the required preparations and not leaving any stone unturned. But then I really have no clue what’s gonna happen. Hey stop getting excited, Its no video game with a reset key (How I wish real life had one). Here if you loose you cannot restart the game all over again and keep playing till you have got your hands set into it. Life gives just one chance. You win or you losse, you’ll have to stay with it.

To conclude, I would quote a couplet from Enrique’s song,
“There is a storm in my head,
And its raining on my bed!!!”

Long Break for life

I usually write posts on word first and then copy it on blogger. But this time I am writing straight away on blogger, (please bear up with discrepancies). Its long time now since I wrote my last post. The reason being I was and still am caught up with some personal issues. The motive of this post is to simply share my feelings. What I have realized is life is not all about one thing. I mean you can’t say life is all about love or for that matter making money or anything else. Life is about balancing all of these and the aspects where you fail really gets messed up. To an extent that some irreversible damages are done. All this while you keep feeling when will these bad times get over. When will these rough seas calm out. That’s what I am actually going through now. All I am doing is praying day and night that I see through it soon.

But does that help? Will I be able to repair the damages done by my own faults? How I wish I had never ever commit such mistakes. But then life has very bad ways of making you wise. It actually punishes you to make you realize what you have done and this punitive action is really tough at times. All your nightmares start turning true. Your both hands are tied, All you can do is watch. Watch helplessly. You can’t even help it. All you can do is cry and adjust to whatever comes your way. The reason why I feel that life is severely determined by destiny and not your choices. But then the choices you take reflects your character.

Whatever is it, times with internal turmoil also help you distinguish friends from pretenders, well wishers from well talkers (the ones who only talk about your well being but do nothing for it) and finally love from dependency... You may have got an idea what is it that’s actually ailing me!!! Wish me luck. I’ll be back with GMAT Data Sufficiency section soon.

A lot can happen over 'Tea'

Take my word guys, this is no advertisement. Rather its an experience... (and its kind of philosophy, no thrilling stories). It was just another wednesday morning when i started getting ready for office,(with a speed that can beat the fastest tropical cockroach ). As i made my way to the bus stop , a tea stall at "Mataji mess" caught my eyes. The mess is regulared by IT folks for meals, and it was no surprise for me to see the mess guys wrapped in 'Shawls' preparing tea over gas stoves. Realising that i still had time to catch another bus to office , i decided to have a quick sip.
The morning was colder than usual , with thin fog still blanketing the buildings around the place.Its a common site in my locality to find all IT guys, well groomed , heading for their offices at this time of day. I waved one of the mess guys from a distance indicating him to prepare one cup for me. I quickly zeroed down at the stall and grabbed my cup. Its so comforting to hold something hot with chilled hands!!!
I just took first sip when i was able to make out the taste of over cooked tea, notwithstanding it still tasted awesome. Guess what, it was then when i realised that tea is such a thing which tastes different in different conditions . A tea in cold morning tastes differently than the one in your air conditioned offices. A tea after breakfast is by no means same as having one after you get up from a nap on a lazy sunday noon.
But there was one more thing special about the tea, it helped me to come out of my daily chores for a moment, gave me some time to reflect on my own self, helped me observe and appreciate the natural beauty around , that i had neglected all these days and all this for just Rs.3.
An irritating horn pulled me out of my dreams and helped me realise that i had already missed a couple of buses. I quickly got over with what was left and rushed towards the stop, thanking the 'TEA' for giving me a break from my regular schedule.
One more thing worth mentioning here is that i really avoid going to the stall daily.... Lest it becomes a routine task...